Urban Capture the Flag

Special Thanks to Leeroy. Without him, Klopp would still be waiting for this:

Queue a voiceover, in a deep southern, yet silky-smooth voice sounding not unlike that of the Stranger, Sam Elliot…

“A way out west there was a fella, fella I want to tell you about, fella by the name of Jordan Downey. At least, that was the handle his lovin’ parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. This Downey, he called himself J-Spooge. Now, Spooge, that’s a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then, there was a lot about J-Spooge that didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. And a lot about where he lived, like-wise. But then again, maybe that’s why I found that flag-game he played s’durned innarestin’.

Our narrator continues on…something about J-Spooge being the laziest dude in Vancouver, which would put him in the running for laziest dude in the world or some shit, which would reason why this write-up is so damn late that people have probably lost interest…blah, blah, blah, jack-off, jack-off…whatevs. But, he is a man for his place and time. And at least he’s housebroken, even if he is Captain of a Capture the Flag team named “The Golden Showers”…

The game began on a sunny Sunday morning, perfect for a game of Flag. The post-pwned [sic] (as in, I pwned the fucking shit out of that motor-bike. Head first) fourth installment would be played off of 12th and Birch, cornered by 14th and Spruce. This map, first played during UCtF1: Beta Test, was typified by streets, parked cars, dumpsters and cut-throughs to alleys with randomly thrown out trash like couches, sinks and skis (the last of which Jorne had an unhealthy obsession). At the start of the game we had an even 10 players: J-Spooge; his nemesis, The KloppStar aka Admiral Antibiotics; Lester “The Shogun” Chua; new additions Kyle K and Bron M, aka Statsman and The Major respectively, Lorne “Heavy D” Bilinski (the D is for Dumpster. Because Lorne hides….fuck.. just read the other writeups); Jorne “The HornStar” and his wife Crystal aka ““Stealth*””,Bernie “The Wrecking Ball” KK; and last, but not least, the triumphant return of Dayna “I haven’t thought up a nickname for her yet” Backus. Notably absent was Rob “The Dirty Commish” Hadju, who missed out because he was getting ready for the Jonas Brothers concert. (Hey, I made this joke waaaay before The Hangover. Those fucks stole a lot of material from me)

Anyway, after the traditional doling of the cards to measure up teams, an honour which J-Spooge passed to Klopp as to not fuck things up yet again, the stage was set and the game afoot, Trebezc.

An album Covers for $100 please Alex:

This week’s rosters were:

Team Pink Eye: The KloppStar (C) , The HornStar , Heavy D , The Major , Wrecking Ball

vs.

Golden Showers: J-Spooge (C), Chick with no nickname yet, “Stealth,” Shogun , Statsman

The first match started as a veritable chess game of point and counterpoint between the two teams. Nahhhhhh, I’m bullshitting you, I can’t remember how it started. All I remember is a couple of close calls: J-Spooge narrowly evading capture twice, and Heavy D coming within an inch of being tagged as well. Then, at one point Gold was incredibly outgunned, as Crystal and Dayna were caught and in jail. If it weren’t for the staunch defense of the flag by the Statsman, it would have been a quick victory for Pink Eye. After realizing that his team was at a disadvantage by two players, the normally defensive J-Spooge decided to infiltrate deep and free his two friends from their cell. Sprinting down 12th, with the KloppStar giving chase in a parallel alley, J-Spooge cut south and behind his pursuer, and unbeknownst to Klopp, freed his teammates. As they tagged up, the Spooge spotted the the Pink Standard, hidden a block up and behind a BC Hydro breaker box. In a mad dash, he grabbed the flag, but not before partially crashing into its hiding place (can’t have a Sunday without Spooge barreling into something). With the KloppStar in distant pursuit, J-Spooge made a dash for home.

Getting tagged with the Flag. The ultimate cock-block:

Running out of gas, but with the end in sight, Golden Showers was nearing victory. Sputtering down the final alley, J-Spooge heard the unsettling sound of accompanying footsteps. Looking back, he saw the Major gaining rapid ground. Hiding behind a parked vehicle, he had sprung a trap on Spooge, and quickly overcame his tired ass. Golden Showers were half a block away from their first victory since UFCtF1. Team Pink Eye, thinking a loss was inevitable, devised a last ditch counterattack on Gold. They quickly infiltrated and caught an unorganized Gold completely off guard. While KloppStar and Lorne blitzed the flag and drew all of Gold’s defenders, the 139 lb Jorne, hiding behind a twig, grabbed the Gold Standard and ran for his life with “Stealth” and Spooge on his tail. But it was too late in the game, and an exhausted Gold team couldn’t catch the thin and sexy HornStar. The Venerable Admiral Antibiotics would later write in his memoirs, “I couldn’t believe we stole that game.”

Chill like Vagisil, then play like Bengay:

After a brief beer break, we commenced with Match 2. Team Golden Showers lost its defensive forward in the presence of Shogun, but replenished its ranks with the addition of “The Coordinator” Kelsey D, and the “Top Chef” himself, Ryno “Ryan” Disterheft.

The game started off fast and furious, much like that shitty movie with a similar sounding name. Pink repeatedly infiltrated deep, and Gold would counter in turn. Then, the TSN turning point: with Spooge and his kin the Coordinator sprinting down 13th in hot chase of the much faster Major, the Statsman turned a corner and to the surprise of us all, made the tag. This was a huge moment for Gold; with one of PinkEye’s top players in jail, perhaps they could make a successful strike without falling to any traps. They walked their way to the borderline, and Spooge turned his head to see Statsman holding the Major’s hand and leading him to jail, much like a mommy taking son to the potty. It was an awkward moment, but he didn’t want to say anything. The Statsman had, after all, caught the Major.

THREE in the pink, with one in the stink:

With the Major in jail, three Team Golden Showers members mounted its offensive into the Pink zone. J-Spooge, Dayna and “Stealth” repeatedly attacked and retreated, and although evading capture countless times, still couldn’t spot the Pink flag. Finally, Spooge spotted the standard, hidden amongst some shrubs with a lone Bernie guarding. Alerting Dayna and “Stealth,” the three of them blitzed the shit outta Bernie’s position. J-Spooge made it to the flag first and thrust his hand into the bush and grabbed hold of his pink prize. Leaving the unnecessary sexual imagery in his dust, he bolted for home. Halfway to the border, he spotted Ryno and passed the standard to the speedy forward. Before the end, the flag passed through three hands, with Dayna taking it from Ryno and running it in for the win.

Match 3: Dealbreaker:

The final match of the day saw the teams trimmed down to five vs four, as “Stealth” and The HornStar were unable to stay for the last round. Intent on crowning a champion for the day, the map was trimmed down by a half block. The match started out slow…the strategy of each team was to play “Lemair’s trap,” to hang back in the zone, draw in one or two curious opponents and jail them. Then use that man advantage and rush into the opposing zone. The borderline looked something like a ghost town. After 10 mins, not one member of Pink Eye could be seen, and curiousity got the better of Dayna and J-Spooge. They decided to infiltrate the south alley, being vigilant to the possibility of any surprise attacks. They scouted deep, all the way to the Pink boundary but was spotted by KloppStar in the distance. Dayna and Spooge retreated back into the alley, but couldn’t find any cutovers to the adjoining street. They were sucked into a topographic trap, and would have to retreat all the way back to the border! J-Spooge decided on tagging up, while Dayna took the option to hide and hope that the KloppStar would pass her by. But neither player was so lucky. Dayna was tagged by Stef, and Spooge was ambushed by a patiently waiting Heavy D, who was uncharacteristically hiding behind a line of bushes this time. Jerk.

A game of inches:

This left Golden Showers severely crippled, as PinkEye once again went on the dangerous offensive. Kelsey, Ryno and and Kyle staunchly defended the Gold zone. They managed to jail Lorne, but Bernie slipped passed the line and sidled deep in the enemy zone. Both Ryno and Kelsey tried valiantly to free Dayna and Spooge from going stale in jail, but they were ultimately chased off and hunted down. Kelsey came within an inch of freeing everyone and changing the tide of the game. But it wasn’t meant to be. At that same moment, Bernie and Bron were plotting to drop the final Kirk-style double axe-handle blow on Team Gold. Since I’m tired, I’m going to lazily copypasta the following events in Bernie’s own words:

…knowing that Kyle was around the corner guarding the flag, I would come out first and distract Kyle and Bron would sneak in behind and steal the flag. As I came around the corner Kyle saw me and I taunted him a bit by at first proceeding towards him and when he finally did start to chase me I ran as fast as I could so it took him about half a block to catch me. In the meantime Bron snuck in behind stole the flag and the game was won once again for team Pink Eye. Also of note, as usual Lorne was the last one to realize the game was over.

That’s right. You read it here first. What? No, not about Lorne being the last one to realize that the game was over. Haha fuck, everyone knows that; shit always happens. Read: Bernie running as fast as he could. I know what you’re thinking, screenshot or it didn’t happen. Well booyah:

This is why we call him the wrecking ball. And game MVP.

The big man comes up big, from stalwart defender to all-star forward. Plus he bought us icecream afterwards. Mother, fucking, icecream.

Game Summary:

Team PinkEye: 2 Flag Captures (Jorne, Bron)

Team Golden Showers: 1 Flag Capture (Dayna)

Random Hobo Dude: Still out there, somewhere. Probably fucking up a 604CTF** game.

Epilogue:

Queue that voiceover once again, that deep southern, yet silky-smooth voice, as the Spooge walks up to the bar and orders himself two ice-cold Rock Creek Ciders…

The Stranger: Howdy do, Spooge

The Spooge:    Oh, hey man, how are ya?  I wondered if I’d see you again.

The Stranger:  How things been going?

The Spooge:    Ahh, you know, Flags and Tags. Ups and downs.

The Stranger: Sure, I gotcha.

The bartender puts two gleaming ciders on the counter, and The Stranger and The Spooge say their goodbyes.

The Stranger: Take it easy Spooge, I know that you will.

The Spooge leaving, nods:

Yeah man, well, you know- The Spooge abides.

The Stranger: …the Spooge abides.

*Crystal doesn’t think we “stealth”. So she’s stuck with that name for now.

**www.604ctf.com but i’m pretty sure they suck. Hang with us instead, we’ll get you drunk.