Come join us for UCTF’s first bout of the season on Monday May 24th. Venue to be determined by the number of participants.

Special Thanks to Leeroy. Without him, Klopp would still be waiting for this:

Queue a voiceover, in a deep southern, yet silky-smooth voice sounding not unlike that of the Stranger, Sam Elliot…

“A way out west there was a fella, fella I want to tell you about, fella by the name of Jordan Downey. At least, that was the handle his lovin’ parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. This Downey, he called himself J-Spooge. Now, Spooge, that’s a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then, there was a lot about J-Spooge that didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. And a lot about where he lived, like-wise. But then again, maybe that’s why I found that flag-game he played s’durned innarestin’.

Our narrator continues on…something about J-Spooge being the laziest dude in Vancouver, which would put him in the running for laziest dude in the world or some shit, which would reason why this write-up is so damn late that people have probably lost interest…blah, blah, blah, jack-off, jack-off…whatevs. But, he is a man for his place and time. And at least he’s housebroken, even if he is Captain of a Capture the Flag team named “The Golden Showers”…

The game began on a sunny Sunday morning, perfect for a game of Flag. The post-pwned [sic] (as in, I pwned the fucking shit out of that motor-bike. Head first) fourth installment would be played off of 12th and Birch, cornered by 14th and Spruce. This map, first played during UCtF1: Beta Test, was typified by streets, parked cars, dumpsters and cut-throughs to alleys with randomly thrown out trash like couches, sinks and skis (the last of which Jorne had an unhealthy obsession). At the start of the game we had an even 10 players: J-Spooge; his nemesis, The KloppStar aka Admiral Antibiotics; Lester “The Shogun” Chua; new additions Kyle K and Bron M, aka Statsman and The Major respectively, Lorne “Heavy D” Bilinski (the D is for Dumpster. Because Lorne hides….fuck.. just read the other writeups); Jorne “The HornStar” and his wife Crystal aka ““Stealth*””,Bernie “The Wrecking Ball” KK; and last, but not least, the triumphant return of Dayna “I haven’t thought up a nickname for her yet” Backus. Notably absent was Rob “The Dirty Commish” Hadju, who missed out because he was getting ready for the Jonas Brothers concert. (Hey, I made this joke waaaay before The Hangover. Those fucks stole a lot of material from me)

Anyway, after the traditional doling of the cards to measure up teams, an honour which J-Spooge passed to Klopp as to not fuck things up yet again, the stage was set and the game afoot, Trebezc.

An album Covers for $100 please Alex:

This week’s rosters were:

Team Pink Eye: The KloppStar (C) , The HornStar , Heavy D , The Major , Wrecking Ball

vs.

Golden Showers: J-Spooge (C), Chick with no nickname yet, “Stealth,” Shogun , Statsman

The first match started as a veritable chess game of point and counterpoint between the two teams. Nahhhhhh, I’m bullshitting you, I can’t remember how it started. All I remember is a couple of close calls: J-Spooge narrowly evading capture twice, and Heavy D coming within an inch of being tagged as well. Then, at one point Gold was incredibly outgunned, as Crystal and Dayna were caught and in jail. If it weren’t for the staunch defense of the flag by the Statsman, it would have been a quick victory for Pink Eye. After realizing that his team was at a disadvantage by two players, the normally defensive J-Spooge decided to infiltrate deep and free his two friends from their cell. Sprinting down 12th, with the KloppStar giving chase in a parallel alley, J-Spooge cut south and behind his pursuer, and unbeknownst to Klopp, freed his teammates. As they tagged up, the Spooge spotted the the Pink Standard, hidden a block up and behind a BC Hydro breaker box. In a mad dash, he grabbed the flag, but not before partially crashing into its hiding place (can’t have a Sunday without Spooge barreling into something). With the KloppStar in distant pursuit, J-Spooge made a dash for home.

Getting tagged with the Flag. The ultimate cock-block:

Running out of gas, but with the end in sight, Golden Showers was nearing victory. Sputtering down the final alley, J-Spooge heard the unsettling sound of accompanying footsteps. Looking back, he saw the Major gaining rapid ground. Hiding behind a parked vehicle, he had sprung a trap on Spooge, and quickly overcame his tired ass. Golden Showers were half a block away from their first victory since UFCtF1. Team Pink Eye, thinking a loss was inevitable, devised a last ditch counterattack on Gold. They quickly infiltrated and caught an unorganized Gold completely off guard. While KloppStar and Lorne blitzed the flag and drew all of Gold’s defenders, the 139 lb Jorne, hiding behind a twig, grabbed the Gold Standard and ran for his life with “Stealth” and Spooge on his tail. But it was too late in the game, and an exhausted Gold team couldn’t catch the thin and sexy HornStar. The Venerable Admiral Antibiotics would later write in his memoirs, “I couldn’t believe we stole that game.”

Chill like Vagisil, then play like Bengay:

After a brief beer break, we commenced with Match 2. Team Golden Showers lost its defensive forward in the presence of Shogun, but replenished its ranks with the addition of “The Coordinator” Kelsey D, and the “Top Chef” himself, Ryno “Ryan” Disterheft.

The game started off fast and furious, much like that shitty movie with a similar sounding name. Pink repeatedly infiltrated deep, and Gold would counter in turn. Then, the TSN turning point: with Spooge and his kin the Coordinator sprinting down 13th in hot chase of the much faster Major, the Statsman turned a corner and to the surprise of us all, made the tag. This was a huge moment for Gold; with one of PinkEye’s top players in jail, perhaps they could make a successful strike without falling to any traps. They walked their way to the borderline, and Spooge turned his head to see Statsman holding the Major’s hand and leading him to jail, much like a mommy taking son to the potty. It was an awkward moment, but he didn’t want to say anything. The Statsman had, after all, caught the Major.

THREE in the pink, with one in the stink:

With the Major in jail, three Team Golden Showers members mounted its offensive into the Pink zone. J-Spooge, Dayna and “Stealth” repeatedly attacked and retreated, and although evading capture countless times, still couldn’t spot the Pink flag. Finally, Spooge spotted the standard, hidden amongst some shrubs with a lone Bernie guarding. Alerting Dayna and “Stealth,” the three of them blitzed the shit outta Bernie’s position. J-Spooge made it to the flag first and thrust his hand into the bush and grabbed hold of his pink prize. Leaving the unnecessary sexual imagery in his dust, he bolted for home. Halfway to the border, he spotted Ryno and passed the standard to the speedy forward. Before the end, the flag passed through three hands, with Dayna taking it from Ryno and running it in for the win.

Match 3: Dealbreaker:

The final match of the day saw the teams trimmed down to five vs four, as “Stealth” and The HornStar were unable to stay for the last round. Intent on crowning a champion for the day, the map was trimmed down by a half block. The match started out slow…the strategy of each team was to play “Lemair’s trap,” to hang back in the zone, draw in one or two curious opponents and jail them. Then use that man advantage and rush into the opposing zone. The borderline looked something like a ghost town. After 10 mins, not one member of Pink Eye could be seen, and curiousity got the better of Dayna and J-Spooge. They decided to infiltrate the south alley, being vigilant to the possibility of any surprise attacks. They scouted deep, all the way to the Pink boundary but was spotted by KloppStar in the distance. Dayna and Spooge retreated back into the alley, but couldn’t find any cutovers to the adjoining street. They were sucked into a topographic trap, and would have to retreat all the way back to the border! J-Spooge decided on tagging up, while Dayna took the option to hide and hope that the KloppStar would pass her by. But neither player was so lucky. Dayna was tagged by Stef, and Spooge was ambushed by a patiently waiting Heavy D, who was uncharacteristically hiding behind a line of bushes this time. Jerk.

A game of inches:

This left Golden Showers severely crippled, as PinkEye once again went on the dangerous offensive. Kelsey, Ryno and and Kyle staunchly defended the Gold zone. They managed to jail Lorne, but Bernie slipped passed the line and sidled deep in the enemy zone. Both Ryno and Kelsey tried valiantly to free Dayna and Spooge from going stale in jail, but they were ultimately chased off and hunted down. Kelsey came within an inch of freeing everyone and changing the tide of the game. But it wasn’t meant to be. At that same moment, Bernie and Bron were plotting to drop the final Kirk-style double axe-handle blow on Team Gold. Since I’m tired, I’m going to lazily copypasta the following events in Bernie’s own words:

…knowing that Kyle was around the corner guarding the flag, I would come out first and distract Kyle and Bron would sneak in behind and steal the flag. As I came around the corner Kyle saw me and I taunted him a bit by at first proceeding towards him and when he finally did start to chase me I ran as fast as I could so it took him about half a block to catch me. In the meantime Bron snuck in behind stole the flag and the game was won once again for team Pink Eye. Also of note, as usual Lorne was the last one to realize the game was over.

That’s right. You read it here first. What? No, not about Lorne being the last one to realize that the game was over. Haha fuck, everyone knows that; shit always happens. Read: Bernie running as fast as he could. I know what you’re thinking, screenshot or it didn’t happen. Well booyah:

This is why we call him the wrecking ball. And game MVP.

The big man comes up big, from stalwart defender to all-star forward. Plus he bought us icecream afterwards. Mother, fucking, icecream.

Game Summary:

Team PinkEye: 2 Flag Captures (Jorne, Bron)

Team Golden Showers: 1 Flag Capture (Dayna)

Random Hobo Dude: Still out there, somewhere. Probably fucking up a 604CTF** game.

Epilogue:

Queue that voiceover once again, that deep southern, yet silky-smooth voice, as the Spooge walks up to the bar and orders himself two ice-cold Rock Creek Ciders…

The Stranger: Howdy do, Spooge

The Spooge:    Oh, hey man, how are ya?  I wondered if I’d see you again.

The Stranger:  How things been going?

The Spooge:    Ahh, you know, Flags and Tags. Ups and downs.

The Stranger: Sure, I gotcha.

The bartender puts two gleaming ciders on the counter, and The Stranger and The Spooge say their goodbyes.

The Stranger: Take it easy Spooge, I know that you will.

The Spooge leaving, nods:

Yeah man, well, you know- The Spooge abides.

The Stranger: …the Spooge abides.

*Crystal doesn’t think we “stealth”. So she’s stuck with that name for now.

**www.604ctf.com but i’m pretty sure they suck. Hang with us instead, we’ll get you drunk.

Round Four will be on Sunday June 28; meet at Jordan’s apartment and we’ll walk to the map. Friends and beers are welcome to join.

The day started like any other…that is, if your day usually starts off with Bernie ruining all the shit that you organized because he spent all night getting hammered then decided he’s too hung over to play capture the flag because he also stayed up until 6 am to watch some silly tennis match too. Anyway, so yeah, for Stefan it began as a normal day. But for me, I was still excited to play my third consecutive game of Urban Capture the Flag.

The Setting
With or without UCtF’s most prolific guard, UCtF3: Balls Deep, would still continue as planned…Our numbers for the day were 11 all told. Returning players included Team Captains Stefan and Jordan, aka Admiral Antibiotics and Rear-Admiral J-Spooge respectively; our marketing coordinator and valued supporter Kelsey D; up-and coming star James B; the always handsome, always aggressive Rob H, aka the Dirty Commish; our two military tacticians Lorne and Jorne; Crystal H, always loyal and faithful to our cause; the welcomed newcomer and speedy addition of Ryan “Ryno” Disterheft; Lester C, UCtF’s most fashionable and cunning player; and the descendant or Erdrick himself, Oliver “Ollywood” Koth-Kappus.

The Stage
Our selected map of the evening lie between Burrard and Fir cornered by First and Fourth ave.  Characterized mainly by its industrial feel, and flavoured with high-end car dealerships, it was a setting that myself nor anyone in the  UCtF had yet experienced. More civilians and more vehicles were present, and even had an influence on the dynamics of the gameplay. Yes, we had many “what the fuck are they doing?” looks from within the air conditioned offices of the Lexus dealership, and yes, in typical fashion, we returned their stares with shit-eating grins.

The Players
After the traditional dealing of the playing cards, which J-Spooge fucked up initially and traditionally, the teams were set.  Team Golden Showers, consisting of J-Spooge, Ryno, Crystal, Lorne, Rob and Olly were playing with a man-advantage over Team Pink-Eye, rounded up by Stefan, Kelsey, Jorne, Lester and James.  The stage was set, the players were ready, and Lorne was already hiding behind the dumpster.

Its on like Gaviscon! Match 1
Match one started fast, with both teams pushing deep into the opposing ends.  Stefan and James fell quickly to the defensive skills of J-Spooge, but Lorne and Ryno likewise fell to team Pink-Eye’s guards and were sent to jail.  But Rob, well-known for his “high-risk/ high-reward” style of gameplay, pinched deep into the opposing zone and picked up Pink’s flag.  With Kelsey and Lester in hot pursuit, he was finally chased down by Pink’s defenders and found himself corned by a fence.  Rob refused to be robbed of his prize (hahahaha) and decided that today he would solve the infamous “no-win scenario” that dorky J-Spooge keeps talking about.  By jumping over the fence, and ripping open his hand in the process, he eluded his would-be captors, and I was elated at my first victory since UCtF 1: Beta Test.

But our first match of the day would not go without controversy. Had the Dirty Commish finally solved the Kobayshi Maru (in-joke), or had he violated a founding rule of the UCtF by violating the private sector of the map?  Furthermore, had Lorne, who had helped provide blocking for Rob while tagging up after a jail break, provide illegal interference on a pursuing Lester? Over cold Budweisers, it was decreed that a rematch was to be played, and Gold’s victory be stricken from the record.

To add insult to injury…um..or actually injury to insult, both teams lost James, Crystal and Jorne to “undisclosed lower-body injuries,” which I will now disclose as pulled quad muscles.  With the teams trimmed down to 4 a side, and the map trimmed down by one block, the re-match began.

We’re spent like Polident! Match 2
Typified by a long Mexican standoff by both teams on the border, it was apparent that game two would be a battle of strategy, wits and cunning.  And agility, and lots of fast running.  The plan by both teams: ‘hangback’ because of the fewer numbers, lull the other team into the zone, jail a few of them, then blitz for the flag.  After a bitter stalemate, the game blew wide open, with Stefan picking up Gold’s flag.  After a dramatic chase between rows of hundred-thousand dollar cars, Golden Shower’s flag was soon returned. Yet the tide seemed to turn in Pink’s favour, as Gold was down to only 2 players compared to Pink’s full team. Knowing full well where Gold’s flag was hidden and outnumbering them, Team Pink-Eye planned to deliver the final blow.

But little did they know that Ryno and J-Spooge, the last bastions of hope for team Golden Showers, had a plan of their own. Upon Pink’s blitz into our zone, Ryno rushed their jail and broke out Ollywood and Lorne, who quickly “tagged up” and cut off Stefan’s retreat back into Pink zone with our flag.  Unable to hand off the the Golden Standard to Rob, and ultimately boxed in, I witnessed the frusteration in Stefan’s eyes as he yet again conceded Gold’s flag. With our flag back in its place, and the teams back to 4 a side, this game was turning out to be the most competitive and strategic yet.  Until we realized that a hobo had stolen team Pink-Eye’s flag.  Just like that, our match ended in stalemate.  And somewhere, out there, hangs Pink-Eye’s flag hanging off some dude’s IGA shopping cart, forever doomed to prowl the streets for cans, never again to be re-united with its Golden counterpart. And it makes me sad.

Conclusion
By my count, the final match results for the evening:

Team Golden Showers: 0 flag captures
Team Pink-Eye: 0 flag captures
Random hobo dude: 1 flag capture

We capped the evening off over Fish and Chips from Go-Fish and plenty of beers at the Granville Island Brewing Company.  Do I forsee Granville Island Brewing as a possible sponsor for UCtF sometime in the near future? Probably not, judging by the way we tipped.  But if you’re ever looking for a place that lets you bring in your own food, well, now you know the place to hit up.

Crew After the Match at Granville Island Brewery

Epilogue
I woke up late the next day with a headache, the taste of IPA in my mouth, and grass stains all over the my favorite shirt.  What happened after we left the pub last night? Was I perhaps frolicking in some grassy field engaged in blissful ecstasy with a succubus of the Life Aquatic? HA! I’m not that lucky (in-joke?).  Reports of the rest of the evening were spotty at best, but eye-witness accounts indicate a nasty grass fight followed by us tumbling down a grassy knoll in a game of Capture the Beer…in which my left shoe may or may not have been used as a weapon. Obviously, beer may have been a factor in our actions.

Ollywood and Admiral Antibiotics enjoying beers in Granville Island

And as I sit here writing this, I reflect that, sure, Bern was a no-show; sure, we had four bad injuries; sure, a hobo robbed me of victory; sure, we forgot to tell Lorne the game is over and he’s probably still hiding behind a dumpster…but I think that I learned a valuable lesson that day. Sometimes its not about the flag. Sometimes its about the beer. And lots of it.  Unless you’re Ryno, then its about drinking a Shirley Temple.

* No servers were harmed during UCtF3: Balls Deep. We tipped everyone well.

Game 1:

The beginning of the game featured both sides making speculative forays into enemy territory. Andrew, Ollie, and Kelsey initiated several swift attacks down the flanks, but they were continually thwarted and forced to retreat by the rugged, disciplined defending of Bernie and Crystal. The Pink Eyed attackers were more successful as Rob made a daring raid to discover the location of the gold flag.

Shortly thereafter, Team Golden Showers was faced with a relentless assault as wave upon wave of Pink Eyed intruders streamed across the border, infecting every nook and cranny of Gold’s territory in a ferocious bid to take the flag. Some heroic defending by Jordo and Matt, however, managed to keep the enemy at bay. Admiral Spooge himself retook the flag three times, and soon an ever increasing number of Pink Eyed prisoners were captured until over half the team found themselves rotting away in jail drinking beer and vodka.

Blissfully unaware of the chaotic situation on the home front, the Gold attackers were unable to take advantage of their numerical superiority. Despite penetrating ever deeper into hostile terrain, they saw no trace of the flag. Instead, they were chased around like rabbits by menacing Pink Guards and confronted by pedestrians who mistook them for Vampires, and told them to “play flag football somewhere else”. It became a grueling game of cat and mouse with numerous captures and jailbreaks and the ever present danger of Bernie, lurking behind bushes to ambush unsuspecting Golden raiders.

With the Gold defenders growing impatient and pushing forward, it seemed like only a matter of time before they would overwhelm Pink’s defenses. However, just in the nick of time Dana managed to sneak behind Gold’s sentries and rescue all five Pink prisoners. The tables had turned. Team Gold grew ever more frustrated with their inability to locate the enemy flag and began to suspect some foul trickery, so Andrew approached the great Klopp and asked him what the hell was going on. Stefan decided to give him a hint, revealing that the pink flag was located somewhere on 12^th Avenue.

That was all the Golden Showers needed to hear. They promptly assembled ¾ of the team to launch a brute force attack with six players descending upon 12^th Ave. from all directions. Still, they found no flag. While the blitz on 12^th Ave. was taking place, Stefan struck deep into enemy territory to capture and return the golden flag. Victory for Team Pink Eye.

Later, Team Gold learned that they were rather blind. They had, on multiple occasions, walked only meters from the pink flag without spotting it. It had been cleverly placed, hanging off a sign beside the wall of a building. Yet, it was not on 12^th Ave. at all; it was on the opposite side of the map on 10^th and Arbutus. Whether Stefan made an honest mistake, or deliberately disseminated false intelligence, we’ll never know. In any case, the Golden Showers swore revenge for the next game. After everyone had gathered in the middle to share their experiences, one player was still missing. Several minutes later, Lorne, who had not been informed that the game had ended, emerged from his hiding place in the bushes.

Game 2:

After the disappointment of the first game, Team Gold came out with renewed determination. They hid the flag in a little cul-de-sac amid some flower pots and posted guards on each access point. In addition, they posted hidden defenders to support the guards and cut off the enemy’s retreat. In theory, it was an impenetrable defensive wall. The Pink Eyes would never be able to reach the flag, and if by some miracle they did, they would never get out alive. As the game got underway, a tense standoff ensued at the central border. On the left, Joern, Lorne and Rob engaged in some light skirmishes with Andrew and Lester. On the right, it was Ollie and Jordo facing James and Stefan, stalking back and forth like a rival pack of wolves vying for a carcass. Every time Team Gold thought of launching an attack they were met by Stefan’s fierce red eyes, glowering menacingly across the passage.

Finally, Ollie grew impatient. He waited for Stefan to turn his back and then dashed swiftly into enemy territory. Little did he know that the lush, grassy corridor which looked so inviting concealed a veritable hornet’s nest of hidden foes. The trap had been sprung. With Stefan chasing from the rear, cutting off Ollie’s retreat and barking commands, the first assailant leapt out from behind a bush. Ollie managed to veer to the left and escape, but soon a second attacker was upon him, forcing a desperate lunge to the right. Just as Ollie thought he had finished running the gauntlet, a third assassin emerged from the shadows and whacked him and dragged him unceremoniously off to prison.

Meanwhile, Jordan, who witnessed the demise of his compatriot, decided to take advantage of the confusion by bolting down an adjacent alley. However, Dana had not forgotten about Admiral Spooge’s skullduggery and managed to ambush him and take him into captivity. When Ollie saw Jordo, whom he had counted on to be his saviour, being marched to prison, his hopes crumbled and his heart sank. Jordo whipped out a bottle of his orange/vodka concoction, flung away the lid in frustration, and took a long, hard swig. He then handed the bottle to Ollie, who, thinking it was just plain orange juice, also took a long hard swig.

Frustration soon turned to consternation, however, when James, who had somehow managed to penetrate Gold’s impermeable fortifications, appeared out of the mist proudly bearing a golden standard. Ollie and Jordo could only watch helplessly from their prison quarters as James walked past them surrounded by a cheering entourage of Pink henchman, triumphantly escorting their flag bearer to victory. The game had lasted a total of ten minutes. A glorious win for the Pink Eyes, and a total disaster for the Golden Showers. Failures and disappointments were soon forgotten, however, as all the players gathered at the central pavilion to share some drinks and stories. Yet, once again someone was missing. At long last, Lorne, unaware the game had ended, came lurching out from behind a dumpster.

Hanging Out After the Game

The UCtF train is steadily picking up steam and collecting ever more passengers on the way. What will happen in round three? Will Pink Eyes’ domination continue, or will the Golden Showers rain on them with all the fury of a thousand angry eye drops. Stay tuned.

We played a total of 3 matches, with Jordan and Stefan being team captains. Jordan lead team Golden Shower while Stefan handled team Pink Eye.  Team Pink Eye won the first game to start things off, with Oliver proving why he is sometimes called Forrest Gump!

The second game was won by team Golden Shower after numerous attempts at Pink Eye’s flag. Eventually their constant attacks were enough steal the flag and bring it home. Joel was the one the eventually get the flag back to his base, after his numerous attempts at the flag. On one attempt he had a bit of fall and has some battle scores to show for it. This game did have a bit of controversy, as team Golden Shower was accused of camping at their jail. Camping rules were a little more stringently defined after this to ensure this wouldn’t happen again.

Joel's Battle Scars!

The third and final match of the day was won by team Pink Eye with another flag capture by Oliver. This matched ended quite quickly after it started, and had a bit of a funny ending. Oliver was trotting his way back to his teams flag, with Dayna, Leah and Stefan slowly walking behind him. As he approach his flag around the corner came running Jordan. Jordan initially started to run towards Oliver, however Oliver turned back and Dayna jumped in front of him. Jordan afraid Dayna might catch him runs back away allowing Oliver to bring the flag back to his own to win the game. Unfortunately Jordan completely missed team Pink Eye’s flag or else he could have grabbed it when running away from Dayna and extended the game.

After the 3rd game everyone was worn out. Everyone was happy with how well the games turned out however, and were looking forward to the next match!

Beta Test Players